B. F. Skinner, the world-famous psychologist, proved through his experiments that an animal rewarded for good behavior will learn much more rapidly and retain what it learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior. Later studies have shown that the same applies to humans. By criticizing, we do not make lasting changes and often incur resentment. （How to Win Friends and Influence People)
No one can really listen to others' accusations and criticisms in an open mind. John Wanamaker once confessed: “I learned thirty years ago that it is foolish to scold.” Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, people don’t criticize themselves for anything, no matter how wrong it may be. Even those outlaws still feel that they have a kind heart. Hiller, a great psychologist, once said, "We always want to be praised by others, and we are also afraid of being criticized." We are not absolutely rational animals. We are more or less prejudiced, conceited and vain.
Have you ever been blushed and depressed because of your teacher's criticism?
Have you ever been exhilarated and exhilarated by the praise of your parents?
Since you think so, then change the position and think, as the same species, those who are accused of you will be the same. Their precious pride wounds, the sense of importance hurts, and thus arouses resentment. They will strive to justify themselves. Those who are praised will be very happy and willing to get along with you. From now on, try to tell the people next to you that he or she is really nice! It is praise, not compliment. Praise is from the heart, and flattery is just oral words.
Lincoln, who was the father of the nation, who conducts the north army during the civil war, understood this truth deeply from his painful experience. He was disappointed at the defeat of his generals. But when the public was scolding the generals, he did not utter a word. He said something that really moved me: "Don't criticize them. If I were in the same situation, I would probably be more like them. " Seldom people can be so considerate and think like him in the world.
In the battle of Gettysburg, because of the hesitation of general Meade, the Southern Army fled and missed the opportunity to destroy them and end the war. Lincoln was so angry that he spoke harshly to his son at the office, and even wrote a letter with satirical reproach to Meade. If the content of this letter is read by Meade, he must be very angry, and try to defend for himself. But Lincoln did not send it at all, because he had cooled down after writing the letter, and considered Meade's position. If his ears had been pierced with the screams and shrieks of the wounded and dying, maybe he wouldn’t be so anxious to attack the south either. He should stand on the points of who dedicate their lives on the battlefield. In addition, blame can only lead to controversy and internal struggle. Meade himself should also see his fault and feel ashamed. He did not need anyone else to sprinkle salt on the wound. This letter is not going to have any positive influence on the army. From his rich experience, Lincoln knew that all the sharp criticism and rebuke would never help.
It is a great wisdom and a life attitude to never criticize on others. Of course, do not deliberately flatter others. People like to listen to the sincere praise. In this world, there is a way to push anyone do anything willingly for you, that is, to satisfy their needs. Material needs are easy to fulfill, but there is one longing that many people lack, almost as imperious, as the desire for food or sleep, which is “the desire to be great.” Everyone has a desire to be important in his nature. When you make others feel important and satisfy their hunger, you can really control them.
This is Carnegie's two principles of life in How to Win Friends and Influence People:
Don’t criticize, condemn or complain.
Give honest and sincere appreciation.
